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A Note from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
North and South Carolina, New Mexico, Arizona,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas,
and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement,
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a
moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake modest prom wears for lds and mormon
of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety sticker
on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't always wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn
the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus